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Next time I’ll be braver, I’ll be my own savior, when the thunder calls for me

April 19, 2011

I am drained.

Drained in a way that is hard to express.

I have talked openly about how much I am struggling to lose these last 6,7,8,9,10 pounds or so (depending on the day) to reach my goal weight. I spend so much time obsessing about my weight. Truth is…I know exactly why I haven’t reached my goal weight yet. I can’t control my eating lately. I eat candy out of the candy basket at work. I go overboard when I eat out. I sit around and snack when I’m home alone. That is why I can’t lose weight. Yes, I have lost a lot of weight and I am really comfortable with myself right now, but I really want to reach my goal weight. I don’t know whether I need to take a step back and stop worrying about it. I don’t know whether I need to be more strict with myself. I just wish it were easier.

This is just one source of my stress.

I want a new job. I want to find something that makes me happy and where I feel like I’m using my Master’s Degree. Problem is that the job market kind of sucks right now. I have send out one application/resume and haven’t heard anything back on it.

I don’t like being single. As much as this has kind of taken a back seat lately to my weight loss struggle and the job searching stress, I would like to be dating. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I always thought when I lost so much weight I would be more appealing to guys. Clearly not. I do enjoy being single and getting to make my own decisions about my time, but as I just watched my sister get married and as my cousin just got engaged, I feel more and more people around me finding the happiness that I want. I want my Dad to walk me down the aisle someday. I want to fully experience dating, being engaged, being married.

Forgive me for the griping. I just felt like I needed to get it out. I’m supposed to be the one who is happy. I hate to burden people with my not-so-important problems. And really, what is there to say that can make it better?

3 Comments leave one →
  1. The T permalink
    April 19, 2011 9:35 pm

    OMG I have sooo been waiting on your post….you have NO idea… there are some of us out there waiting on the same type of person you are…. you are NOT alone… love happens… amazing bits and pieces… please know your words did not go on deaf ears tonight….


  2. The T permalink
    April 19, 2011 10:22 pm

    So the question is…. what do you want to do about it? it is after all…..your life…

    Value…assess…take the best from the adventure…. rarely do I ever put myself out there… this is the rearest of forms for me….


  3. Casieopea permalink
    May 22, 2011 5:54 pm

    oh, honey. The weight (or lack of it) is NOT what makes you attractive. You have so much locked inside you that is trying to get out ….You stress over so many things that are all OUTSIDE you…. the real you lives inside!
    Do YOU see that person? Do YOU know her? She is AMAZING…. but before anyone else is going to get to know her – YOU have to make peace with her…

    Sounds like there is a struggle going on inside you right now….. my vote is to pay attention to that… (you know, self sabotage is sometimes about fear…)

    I’m pulling for you!!!

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