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I keep lookin’ for what I still haven’t found

May 10, 2011

The best blog ideas are rip-offs of someone else’s ideas, right? That’s exactly what this is. I want to thank my roommate and friend, Joel, for inspiring this entry.

Although the people who are closest to me are very aware of my situation, this is something that I don’t talk about a lot. I especially don’t talk about it with people who aren’t my close friends and family. What I am talking about is my lack of experience in dating/relationships/love.

It seems like I have always loved the idea of love. I can remember my first “crush”. Let’s call him J. I had a crush on him starting in the 1st grade. This crush pretty much lasted all throughout elementary school and middle school, with maybe a few minor crushes thrown in there. When everyone started doing the whole “boyfriend/girlfriend” thing in middle school, it didn’t happen for me. I was overweight and awkward, but I wanted it so badly. This pretty much carried over into high school, although my major crush changed to B. Every night I would pray that he would notice me, but it never happened. Don’t get me wrong. He was nice to me, but he didn’t think of me the same way that I thought about him.

I thought things would change when I went to college. When I finally moved away from my small town where there were more opportunities. For some reason, it never happened for me. I didn’t even have potential guys I was really interested in in college. I can make my assumptions as to why this was (I was overweight, had extremely low self-esteem, took classes with mainly girls as an early childhood major, didn’t really go to parties). The truth is, I’ll never really know why I didn’t end up meeting anyone. College was the first time I experimented with online dating. I created a free profile on an online dating site, but didn’t really take it seriously and forgot about it pretty quickly.

Fast forward to age 25. I was the only 25 year old I knew who had not only never had a boyfriend, but had never been on a date. That’s right. I went 25 years without going on a date. How sad is that? It is embarassing. That’s why I don’t like to talk about it. I had done the online dating sites on and off, but never met anyone. I had joined Weight Watchers and lost a considerable amount of weight, so I couldn’t use the overweight excuse anymore, but still…nothing.

After a weekend away, I got a call from my sister saying she wanted to set me up on a blind date. I was a little nervous, but I though, why not? After a few texts with W., we made plans to go out about a week later. It was my first date. A blind date. He picked me up. We went to dinner and then to the Hard Rock Casino. The conversation went well. When he dropped me off at my apartment, we did an awkward side hug and said goodbye. He texted me later and said he had a good time. And then I never heard from him again. In a way, I was glad. I wasn’t really attracted to him and I didn’t think we were compatible, but in the back of my mind, I wondered what was wrong with me.

Several months later, I decided to give the online dating thing one more try. A few weeks after signing up, I got a message from P. We messaged back and forth a few times and then he asked for my phone number. We talked on the phone several nights in a row for more than an hour each time. Here was a guy who I could have a good conversation with, who was interested in me, who wanted to talk to me at the end of the day. We made plans to go out on a date. Before our first date, we had the “tell me about your past relationships conversation” and to my surprise, he didn’t run screaming when he heard about my lack of experience. We ended up going on a few dates, and talking on the phone a lot. I liked him. My family didn’t really approve of me dating him, but I thought I was willing to overlook that. The more time we spent together, the more I realized that I couldn’t see myself dating him long-term, though. So why risk hurting my family for something that wasn’t going to last. So, I called him and broke things off. I regret the way I did it because I feel like we could have been friends, but I didn’t leave room for that.

About a month after I broke things off with P., I went on another date with someone from the online dating site. Another date with somone who I don’t really think I was compatible with, but who promised he would call and we would make plans to do something else, but who never called.

A week later, I took down my dating profile for good. I don’t really want to meet someone online. I never really did. I know some people have great success with it, but it just hasn’t worked for me.

So there it is. My embarassingly empty tale of my past. 3 guys. Only 1 who made it past 1 date. How sad is that?

I have never known love. At least not romantic love. And I have wanted it since the 1st grade.

I don’t say this sadly, although it does make me sad sometimes. I do say it with a little embarassment. I do have the knowledge that God holds my future in his hands and that while I may not understand why my life has worked out this way, He knows. Someday, I hope I’ll look back and understand why. Until then, I’ll leave it up to Him.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. May 11, 2011 3:59 am

    I am having a really rough time reading this… i have followed your story, read your words and see a conquering figure…yes you…the conquerer…

    I love how you’re brave enough to confront your previous size….what did you do? conquered it…

    You wanted to be less awkward….you did something about it….conquered it

    You wanted to be able to do something extraordinary that most people don’t do… you ran a major race…and conquered it…

    But here? What am I reading about the ONE person I follow from my old home state? It feels as though your spirit needs a lift… I felt sad the entire time that I was reading your blog…for the first time, you were vulnerable to me… why? I felt your pain of not connecting with someone on a romantic level yet you yearned and craved it as a girl. I find the yearning that you have now to be a major difficulty…

    I can’t offer you any suggestions other than become friends with a lot of guys and slowly get to know them…slowly is a key word here..just be their friend and maybe once they get to know you and you know them, sparks may fly…you will have a terrific foundation.

    TONS of ways to meet these friends without some type of emotional attachments…. so why not just take life at your own pace…move gently and confidently like you do when you want to overcome something in your life? There are those of us who are inspired by your words… we notice you love life enough to want to be happy…so what’s holding you back?

    Be a conquerer once more… place that faith and hope where it belongs and tuck away your fear… continue to own your moments…


  2. May 11, 2011 9:43 am

    I do believe that everything happens for a reason. If you trust in God then you know that He has a plan for you. The right person will come along, but perhaps it is not time because you are supposed to accomplish something extraordinary on your own. I think, and I have heard this from many people, it’s best to meet someone after 28. I am a firm believer in this because the woman I am with now is perfect for me. If we had met earlier in life we would not have experienced the things that make us who we are. You will find the person that fits you perfectly. I found the perfect person for me when I wasn’t even searching. I always say to never seek, just find. We happened to work together and I loved her the first time I saw her. As fate would have it her team moved next to ours and we talked all the time and the printer or fax machine. I never would have expected everything to fall into place, but that is what God’s plan was. Enjoy being single. Enjoy. being the best version of yourself. Congrats on the weight loss and keep it up. Run your half marathon for you and nobody else. Very proud of you!

  3. May 11, 2011 10:04 pm

    take a stab here…make your stand ell known…live the little road-side-stand to see who looks at the goods… we all look but sometime interested parties stop and buy…. so listen GF…sell thyself… what kind of appeal are you pushing????

  4. May 16, 2011 6:25 pm

    I can’t begin to tell you how much I can relate to this post…on so many levels. My now husband had to deal with 27 long years of inexperience when we started dating 5 years ago! I watched my friends have 4 or 5 long, serious relationships, marriages, children before I ever experienced love for the first time. And all I can say is that it was 100% worth the wait. I used to ask God why I couldn’t even have a bad relationship just to have something…and thank goodness he ignored those prayers. I would not trade one single of my seemingly perpetual single-ness and feeling somewhat alone all those years if it meant I couldn’t have what I have now. It seems silly to say it, but be patient and definitely wait for the one that feels right…it seems like you are already trusting your gut which is great. The worst mistake I saw other girls make was to settle for someone just to not be single and they are so unhappy now…and I couldn’t be happier! Have faith…put yourself out there…be the best you, you can be…and wait for the right one. It will happen. Glad I found your blog!

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