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Just when you think it’s lost in the night, it comes knocking back at your door

June 24, 2011

This is going to sound crazy.

Be warned.

For a while, I had started to worry that I might not be able to cry anymore. Okay, so not really literally not cry anymore period, but that I might have built my wall up so high that I had lost that emotional side of myself.

Just a little background. I have always been an extremely emotional person. While I’ve never been extremely girly, I have always been emotional. I cried when I watched a sad movie. I cried when I saw something sad on TV. I cried when I read a sad book. When I was younger, I cried when my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) would leave after coming for a weekend visit. And just the mention of getting in trouble or disappointing my parents could really get me going. I grew out of some of this as I got older, but not completely. My friends still made fun of me for crying at sad movies and when reading books.

And then something happened.

I had something happen at work. I don’t really want to get into details, but let’s just say it was top 5 in the worst experiences I’ve ever had. And I cried. I cried a lot. For days, I cried a lot.

But I got through it. I struggled through the rest of that year (this was two years ago). There were more tears, but I made it through.

Then I started building up my wall. I wasn’t consciously doing it, but looking back, that is exactly what I was doing. I started focusing less on what other people thought of me and focusing more on myself. That is really a good thing. I became more independent and stopped worrying so much about the opinions of others.

Looking back at this school year, I didn’t worry at all about what other teacher’s thought about me. Anyone who works in a school knows that there are definite cliques. It is a workplace full of mainly women and it just happens. So, you always run the chance of people judging you or talking about you. And I know it happened this year. But I just let it go. I didn’t care. And that felt really good.

On the other hand, I feel like I may have built the wall up a little too high. I already hold people at an arm’s length sometimes and I could feel myself pushing even further.

And I realized I hadn’t cried in a while. Not when I saw something sad on TV. Not when I watched a sad movie.

I started to picture myself like Cameron Diaz’s character in The Holiday.

Okay…maybe not that dramatic.

And I definitely don’t look that good.

So I worried about it. I didn’t obsess about it, but it crossed my mind every once in a while.

And then Tuesday came.

I was laying in bed Tuesday night reading a magazine. It was much too early for me to be in bed, but we won’t mention how lame I can really be sometimes. My phone rang and it was my mom calling. She was calling to tell me that they had some news back from the Dr. about my Grandma. My Grandma had been to the ER over the weekend because she wasn’t feeling well and she had fallen, but they just said her oxygen was low and that she could go in to her Dr. during the week. The news wasn’t great. I’m not going to go into detail, but she has several issues that are going on and the Dr.’s say that this could be the beginning of the end for her. She could have 6 months, she could have 2 years, she could have more. We don’t know. But we need to be prepared.

I got off the phone with my mom.

And I cried.

I cried because I was scared for her.

I cried because I love her.

I cried because I don’t want her to be in any pain.

I cried because selfishly, I wasn’t ready for that news.

I want her to be around long enough to meet my husband (the one that I wish for, who I haven’t met yet….yeah, that one). I want her to meet my kids. I see her with her great-grandkids and selfishly, I don’t want to miss that.

The next day as I was driving along, I cried again. I couldn’t help it. I just needed to get it out.

We have heard some positive news from her Dr. since then, so things are definitely looking okay right now, but I am just trying to prepare myself for whatever comes.

As far as the no crying thing? I think I can stop worrying. I managed to cry twice yesterday. Once while watching Steel Magnolias and once while reading The Friday Night Knitting Club.

I guess I don’t have to give up my emotional status yet.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. June 26, 2011 8:56 pm

    I cried reading this.

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